Your twitchy “listening skills” can actually do more damage than you think

One of the things I have reflected on lately is listening and how much of a gift to the other person, is your complete and utter undivided attention.

And how the lack of this severely limits the connection and understanding we all crave.

I am prompted to write this post as the other day I had a wine with an old friend, and I thought sharing my experience could help others (OK me 😉 )

We’ve been friends for years but to be honest I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it.

That’s because I knew exactly how this event would start and end.

We actually hadn’t seen each other face to face for about 3 years. When I sat down he asked me how I was and as soon as I started to answer he started to twitch. He then turned his back on me and looked around for the waiter.

So I stopped talking.

When our order was taken, I started to talk again, and again he got twitchy.

He started to look around for a napkin and called the waiter over.

So I stopped talking.

When he got the napkin from the waiter, I started again.

This time his eyes darted around the room.

So I stopped talking.

I think we need some olives he said.

After we’d settled the pressing olive issue, I had pretty much lost my desire to say much. I started to talk again but knew I would need to edit down whatever I said to meet his truncated attention span.

So I did and pretty quickly got onto asking him how he was.

I suspect that despite his extremely confident exterior appearance my friend was anxious that it was difficult for him to not think of his own needs to settle that anxiety before anything else.

My other take on this is that he was so used to needing something to act as a mental or physical barrier to being completely in the space with someone else, that this behaviour of his was totally intuitive or ingrained.

It was kind of like a fear response and he was not even aware that he was doing it.

These may all seem like small things to notice. I actually do feel slightly mean spirited writing about it.

But I don’t think I’ll find that I am alone if I open up about this.

I honestly found (and do find) this avoidance behaviour infectious and a trigger to my own issues around self-doubt.

When I am in front of a twitchy listener, or I get the eyes glaze over look, I shut myself down. I know I am not being heard. I internalise that as I am not that interesting and I react as if I only deserve a small window of talk space.

I know in friendship some people value visible signs of appreciation. It’s meaningful if a friend remembers a birthday, buys them lunch, or sends a card.

For me these things are icing on the cake gestures, nice to have but the core cake of trust is the main game. They do not replace the sense of security I get when I know I am being acknowledged, actually heard and understood.

Typically our conversations nowadays go:

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“How are you?”

“Good. Busy. You?”

“Busy too.”

I am a bit jaded with all those types of conversations. They are empty and frankly a bit boring. I find it’s an immense relief to actually open up and say what’s really been bugging me and learn more about the life of the other person.

Purely selfishly for me that honest space opens up a wonderful world of possibility, about not having to be perfect where it’s OK to be anxious, my mistakes are not a major character flaw but just the sh*t that happens as part of everyday life. I get to know that this sh*t is normal as the same thing has happened to other people. That openness is a great leveler.

I am not so naive to say that we should spill to all and sundry. Of course there are situations where you know it’s not appropriate and the person at the other end will instantly judge, and that judgment could be career damaging.

However I think most of us have a level of social anxiety, and realising that can help the other person you are with.

Creating a space of stillness and silence, where you show people they have your undivided attention, you say “how are you?” meaning “how are you because I am really interested” sets a meeting up from a wonderful starting point.

It works both ways.

You get to calm the other person, and in turn calm yourself.

No olives or napkins ever needed.

Now, where’s that waiter?

I think I need a drink.

PS: if you’re ever wondering whether you are in fact a good listener – read this piece in the Harvard Business Review on what great listeners actually do.

The authors, Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman cite research of almost 3500 participants evaluating the traits of good listeners.

I thought their findings were fascinating and have reproduced their list.

These included:

Level 1: The listener creates a safe environment in which difficult, complex, or emotional issues can be discussed.

Level 2: The listener clears away distractions like phones and laptops, focusing attention on the other person and making appropriate eye-contact.  (This  behavior not only affects how you are perceived as the listener; it immediately influences the listeners own attitudes and inner feelings. Acting the part changes how you feel inside. This in turn makes you a better listener.)

Level 3: The listener seeks to understand the substance of what the other person is saying. They capture ideas, ask questions, and restate issues to confirm that their understanding is correct.

Level 5: The listener increasingly understands the other person’s emotions and feelings about the topic at hand, and identifies and acknowledges them. The listener empathizes with and validates those feelings in a supportive, nonjudgmental way.

Level 6: The listener asks questions that clarify assumptions the other person holds and helps the other person to see the issue in a new light. This could include the listener injecting some thoughts and ideas about the topic that could be useful to the other person. However, good listeners never high jack the conversation so that they or their issues become the subject of the discussion.