Why won’t they get back to me, is it something about me? The mind f*cks that come as a routine part of your job search.

I don’t need to tell you but one of the biggest challenges that come up when you’re approaching people as part of looking for a job is the wait….and the wait….and the wait….and yes……….wait for it.

The wait!

Hours can feel like days and days can feel like weeks.

via GIPHY

When you put yourself out there by reaching out to employers and recruiters, even if you’re just waiting for a day or two – it can feel like this period of your life will never end.

The wait can be even more agonising, because you’re so attached to the outcome but there’s no predictable end in sight.

You can’t see into the future. So you can’t even hook into the hope that better things are to come.

You don’t know when someone will actually respond to you.

By attached I mean you can make the answer from the person whom your waiting for, have a huge impact on how you feel about yourself.

Because in a sense it does. A yes or an answer could be your life-changing pathway to a new job.

People like me say don’t take it personally.

We can be super annoying like that.

But the problem with me or others saying don’t take it personally, is that I don’t think many of us understand what “taking it personally” actually means.

I know I struggle to understand what “not taking it personally” means when I am waiting for someone to respond to me.

How I can best explain this concept is this.

It can feel like someone is not replying to you, because they can do this to you.

You’re the person they choose to ignore, because you are not worth anything else.

It’s like the deep shame part of your brain is activated.

via GIPHY

If you’re like me you can get a bit antsy.

You can think people are deliberately not responding.

Mild paranoia can quickly set in.

You can think that not one single person will respond to you – ever again.

You can stop trying so hard as you think it’s not worth it.

You can get fixated on the unfairness of it all.

Your creativity shuts down and you can’t think of any different way of thinking or approach to your end destination.

It’s an insidious thing to be occurring because the reactions like I have just described above, can be so strong. But the core reason why you might feel so p*ssed and the like is not so obvious.

That why you feel so p*ssed is the personal bit – again it’s that feeling that someone can do that to you  – because it’s you.

Your reactions to the wait can come from how you fundamentally feel about yourself.

Of course there are reasons receiving no response from someone you’re reaching out to is personal. Maybe your approach is bad. Maybe your resume or LinkedIn profile needs work. Maybe you come across as rude, angry or arrogant. Maybe you don’t have interesting experience.

But if the reason you don’t hear back from someone is not any of the above – then it’s not about you.

Looking for a job can be like attaching your sense of self the worst type of narcissistic boyfriend or girlfriend.

You do all the running around because they simply don’t care as much as you do. And like most deplorable potential partners, they can advertise that they do, and keep stringing you along until they don’t need you anymore.

So I realise there’s little fun in the chase or the wait.

In fact there’s none.

While there is no one size fits all solution to feeling like it’s all personal I do know of a few things that help.

Here they are in no particular order.

Put yourself in the driver’s seat to give yourself as many options as possible – so you’re not too attached to one person getting back to you.

Cut people some slack.

What works for me in this situation is reflecting on the number of times I have taken a while to get back to people.

Sometimes I have been busy. Sometimes I have meant to and gotten distracted. Sometimes it seemed like what they were asking was too hard to think about immediately, and required some effort from my end.

It was never that I could do that to the other person.

Another thing that helps is getting an outsider’s perspective on what might be happening – why people may not be getting back to you. That outsider may well say the same thing as what I’ve just said above.

An outsider can also give you ideas on things you can do to give yourself choices – for example, new people to connect with, different ways to approach your job search.  This is important because this is a period where stress dampens down the creative part of your brain.

The biggest thing to realise if you want to reach your end goal is to keep putting your best foot forward. It’s not the end of the world to feel a bit like cr*p during your search. A bit of anxiety can be good for you and make you try harder.

Have a think about what you’ve been able to do when you have felt uncomfortable or a bit stressed. I sometimes reflect back on my life and realise how many times I have been stressed out and uncomfortable and still exceeded my expectations.

If you keep putting yourself out there, you’ll arrive at the point where magic happens.

What you’re offering will match what someone needs and the timing will be right.

And bingo you’ve just landed that next big opportunity.